A Monday Existential Crisis

 I'm sure we were all encouraged to be the best of ourselves as children by believing that there was something special that meant we could be whatever and whoever we wanted to be. So, I am aware that I am not unique. Hell, the google search I did just moments ago proved as much. 

When I was a little kid, I really believed that I would be a star when I grew up. I wanted to be on TV like Raven Symone and Tia & Tamera. I could sing and I wanted to learn how to act and dance. I took lessons for all of the things and, I swear I just knew I was going to go to Julliard and be on Broadway by the time I was 28 (Where do you see yourself in 10 years? - College essay). 

I started musical theater and all of the dance classes and voice lessons when I was 8. I even did summer camps AND sang with the choir at church and the choir at school. No matter how much I practiced doing this and that for auditions, I always ended up in the ensemble. Here was my first clue that maybe I wasn't special. My feelings were hurt the most when it was for one of my favorite musicals. Annie was my first ever audition. I was 8. I just knew I was going to get Pepper or Molly. Pepper because she was tough and Molly because she was sensitive - I really wanted the Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile moment - you know, the one from the movie. Sadly, I made the ensemble. No speaking lines. An orphan who didn't even have a name in the script so, the name was my choice. Josephine - I couldn't tell you why I chose that but I did. 

When we did Rogers & Hammerstein's Cinderella, you guessed it! Ensemble - Steward, no speaking lines. And the Wizard of Oz - A Tree. You didn't even get to see my face. That was just middle school. Freshman year of high school, I thought: "Surely, I am more talented than these kids! I've been doing REAL theater". I know, I know. I was cocky with it. I had performed at The Kennedy Center several times over, traveled out of state to perform for and meet celebrities. All because of my school choir, my church choir and musical theater. Child, the look on my face when I got ensemble again. *face palm*. High School dance team? I worked so hard and still found myself in awe of the real dancers - the ones that made everything look easy and graceful. I wanted to be in the same league as them but wasn't. I wanted to be friends with them but didn't fit in. 

I'm certain I can think of several more examples but you get the point. By the time I graduated, the self-confidence started to decline and just seemed to nose dive from there. All the work I had done to really standout in auditions suddenly hindered by crippling anxiety. It hits SO DIFFERENT when I realized my mom and my grandma were really the only people who truly believed that I could make it. In my early 20's, I was in a relationship and wasn't spending time at home. I was surrounded by new people and none of them shared my interests. Over time, I ended up with no hobbies and shattered self-esteem about myself and broken dreams of being a performer. 

HAPPY YEAR 2026!

I just turned 36 this year. For the past almost 5 years, I have been trying to break out as a Twitch streamer. After all of this time, it feels impossible to make affiliate with 110+ followers (the number keeps teetering between 110 and 116 - have yet to go beyond that), even if I get raided, people don't stick around, follow or come back during a different stream. Trying to utilize and make the most of these social media platforms doesn't help - I basically have similar results. Under 200 followers with the overwhelming majority coming out of India, which is OK except for the fact that I am trying to sell my art in the U.S. so more U.S. followers would be beneficial...

Anyway, I say all of that because I was thinking about my job a lot today and how I have never worked anywhere else for this long. At this point, I finally have that 7+ years of experience in certain areas but a big problem still remains: I don't have a college degree and until 6 months ago, my job duties did not match what I do. Even with a new job description, the algorithm is going to push through what it is programmed to push through. (Can you tell I have had the shittiest luck with job opportunities?) So, as I approach my 10 year anniversary with the company I work for, I find that I am trying to Jedi mind trick myself into believing that it's OK to still be working here despite the fact that I outgrew this place years ago. That one day, I won't have these crippling feelings that exacerbate my anxiety and depression. The fact of the matter is, the more time passes and I still work here, the less hope I have for actually being able to do anything other than what I do.

Tonight, I started wondering - am I just mediocre? I mean, I can learn a lot of things but, I'm no Einstein or modern Tech giant. I can learn the basics for how to do so many things but I never really expand on those basic skills to reach a level comparable to that of Van Gogh or Michelangelo... Anyway, existential crisis of the day: What if all the hobbies that I have spent so much money and time on are not meant for me? What do I do then? What do I do if not steaming, painting, crafting, etc.? Who am I without the things I like to do? 

I just want to be successful like everybody else. Screaming "PICK ME!" to the universe for every lottery ticket purchased, every painting listed for sale, every contest entered, every song I release. "PICK ME!!" And I don't get picked and my self-esteem plummets below sea level and I have to fight through all of the depression and anxiety and my own "-tism" quirks - all the while parenting a child on the spectrum and that child is setting my nervous system on FIRE!!! It sucks. It's hard and yet the constant reminder that even in that, I am not special. At least, in this instance it helps to know that I am not alone but, it still doesn't help me figure out what I can do to have the life I want on my own terms and I can't help but come back to thoughts of mediocrity. Can I accept being average/below average?